Although most therapists will tell you that you are not alone when you share that you and your partner have not had sex in years, it doesn’t always ease the pain it causes the two of you. It’s comforting to know that sexless marriages are common but most couples come to me asking “what do we do?” or “how do we improve our sex life?”.
It is common to have different levels of desire in a marriage. Libido changes throughout life for both of you. It’s important if there are concerns such as erectile dysfunction or pain in intercourse, that it is addressed with a physician. There is not a certain number of times to have sex in a week or a month that defines a healthy relationship. If a couple connects intimately one time a month but both find this fulfilling and meets their needs, then it is not a problem. The problem occurs when a couple has stopped connecting physically on any level over a long period of time and don’t know how to talk about it or regain that intimacy. Often, some conversations, although vulnerable, can begin the steps towards reconnection.
Although scheduling sexual time together might sound sterile and unromantic, it can create a space to be together whether that includes a sensual massage, a kissing and cuddling session, or wild passionate sex. What you do during that time you claimed is where you bring the creativity and playfulness into your physical closeness. If it has been awhile take it slow and return to the things you used to enjoy together. Be kind to each other if (or when) there are awkward moments. Claiming time together creates intention and commitment to your relationship and the physical component of connection.
There are times when gaining support and therapy from a relationship and sex therapist is the answer. Sexual intimacy is one area in the relationship, and can be a window in to explore other components that are impacting overall marital satisfaction. Couples might have patterns in their sexual interactions or lack of sexual interactions that have stemmed from hurts or rejections over time and these need to be healed so there is emotional safety in the bedroom again.
“The good news is that for most otherwise healthy (emotionally intimate) couples who are both willing to put in the work, it’s relatively easy to spark a new fire. Be intimate, share quite moments where you simply look at each other, hold hands and talk about intimate feelings.” (Robert Weiss, 2015). It starts with intention and conversation together to begin creating change and adding sex back into your relationship.
This Post Written By:
Rachel Thomas, Owner, LMFT – Therapy With Heart
8737 E. Via De Commercio, Suite 200
Scottsdale, Arizona 85258
Phone: (480) 888-5380
Fax: (480) 203-2881