Our Therapy With Heart team had the opportunity to learn from Sex Therapist, Jennifer Lucas Brown in October and it just inspired me to continue to open up the dialogue around what, for many, is an uncomfortable topic to discuss. Sex and intimacy is such an important part of our relationships.
Research shows that although sex is important, intimate touch such as cuddling, hugs, and hand holding has an even more significant impact on marital satisfaction over time. Especially today, as there is a lack of hugs and handshakes, it’s even more important to take note of your physical touch with your partner.
I thought I would share some “nuggets” from both the recent training and the experience I have had working with many couples over the years:
**“The problem isn’t the desire itself, it’s the context. You need more sexually relevant stimuli activating the accelerator and fewer things hitting the brake.”
― Emily Nagoski, Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
It’s important to identify what are “accelerators” such as music, emotional connection (quality time together), wearing something you feel good in that increases your sexual “readiness” and openness. It’s just as important to recognize the “brakes” for example, feeling full after eating too much, overly stressed and preoccupied, no eye contact with your partner that are barriers to connecting intimately with your partner.
**Find intentional time for intimacy. Yes! Schedule time to be together with your partner…like you schedule other things that matter to you. The spontaneity, flexibility, and fun come in when you both decide what you want to do with that time. Take a shower together, give each other a mutual massage, lay together naked, have sex, you choose!
**Sexual satisfaction is truly not about your body type or weight. Sexual intimacy and connection are at its peak when both partners are engaged and are responding to their partner’s touch.
There is much more to this very important topic. I will end by sharing that normal is what works for the two of you. Many couples will come into therapy wanting to know if their frequency (or infrequency) of sex is “normal”. It’s only a problem if it’s a problem for one or both of you! Normal is a myth and only drives missed expectations, hurts, and “shoulds”.
If you are struggling with intimacy in your own relationship, Therapy With Heart has an incredible team of therapists that can help. It can be so very helpful to have a skilled couples therapist to navigate these conversations which are very sensitive and important.
This Post Written By:
Rachel Thomas, LMFT – Therapy With Heart
8737 E. Via De Commercio, Suite 200
Scottsdale, Arizona 85258
Phone: (480) 888-5380
Fax: (480) 203-2881