For the past several months, I’ve been thinking about the prevalence of social media and other platforms that encourage “no contact” between adult children and their parents. I also see this play out as a therapist. I sit with adult children who arrive tired and torn, troubled beyond measure. They love their parents fiercely yet know that continuing contact isn’t safe or is causing emotional distress. Oftentimes, creating distance or just saying no is not an act of rejection: it is an act of survival, often done after several desperate attempts to be heard have fallen on deaf ears. I empathize with and admire the intentionality behind these choices.
I also sit with parents who are no longer in contact with their adult children and often their grandchildren, who are wondering what happened and what to do about it. The grieving on this side of the relationship is deep. The pain borne by all family members is visceral, layered, and so complex.
I also see a different path that is perhaps receiving a lot less public attention, but many of my clients opt for which include putting up boundaries and remaining in the relationship. This is not an easier path; it is just an alternative vision. Adult children, with support, learn how to distinguish: I can love you without forsaking myself. Parents can begin to tolerate discomfort, listen without defensiveness, and take ownership of damage done, whether they meant to or not.
The most significant healing I’ve observed has taken place when a parent and a child enter therapy together, with a mutual commitment to the relationship. This includes the parent stepping into the role of the “stronger, wiser other.” I
watch parents in these moments as they opt for accountability, emotional presence, and responsiveness, not perfection. I also witness the adult child softening and sharing their hearts. This can be deeply meaningful when adult children find a parent who can say, “I see how I hurt you.” Repair is possible, and reconnection can be made.
As I have been contemplating this theme, I also started watching The Pitt. One of the many scenes that has touched me is the scene when Dr. Robby introduces the Hawaiian reconciliation tradition called Ho’oponopono. Traditionally used to mend deep relational wounds, Ho’oponopono offers an empowering structure for healing and release. The practice centers on four simple yet brave phrases:
I love you.
Thank you.
Please forgive me.
I forgive you.
The point is not to evade responsibility or minimize harm. Instead, it challenges us to shed lingering emotional energy, feel responsible for our part, and offer forgiveness as a path toward peace and wholeness. In parent– adult child estrangement, Ho’oponopono can be life-changing. It might be spoken in therapy, inscribed in a never-sent letter, or kept quiet inside one’s heart. The practice enables people to move on without the baggage of lingering resentment, even if relationships aren’t restored.
I’ve also been learning this personally as a parent of adult children. Recently, my own son gently reminded me that he is now the pilot of his own plane. He doesn’t need me anymore as his co-pilot, and yet he reminded me that he can radio me at any time. Whenever he decides that he feels the need to reach out, I remember my role, and I ask him a simple question: “Do you want some advice or do you just need to vent?” That question alone can preserve dignity, autonomy, and connection.
Maybe the question that we need to ask is not whether the “no contact” trend is right or wrong, but how we, as parents and adult children, might choose honesty, responsibility, and compassion. Healing is not synonymous with reconciliation. But when both are willing, it can mean something equally strong: repair.
