As a therapist, I frequently get asked, “What can I do to help my partner/child/family member/friend when they are struggling?” The client usually tells me that they offer solutions, like say “I’m sorry”, give advice, etc. and that nothing helps.
I encourage clients to validate this other person. I receive a lot of feedback from clients that they don’t know what validation is or how to validate. They know what it feels like to be validated but seem uncertain of how to offer this to their loved ones.
What is Validation?
Validation is simple in theory. It’s recognizing and accepting another person’s experience as being their reality and truth without judgment or rejection.
Let me be clear, validation does not mean that you are agreeing with the person. Validation is accepting that their thoughts, feelings, and experiences are their reality.
You can validate someone even if you don’t agree with him or her. I do this in my personal life; such as when my 6-year-old is having a melt down because his drink is in the wrong cup.
Internally, I think, “Here we go again! He’s getting all worked up over nothing”. That is NOT validation! That will also not help in the situation. What I say is something like “Honey, you seem really mad. It’s ok to be mad; you thought something different was going to happen and I disappointed you.” Then we talk about choices and move forward.
There are times that all I can do is say “I see that you’re upset and it’s ok”. Even that simple statement helps diffuse the situation with my children. Can you think of situations where you have offered validation or where you think you should have offered validation?
How does Validation help?
- Validation helps the other person feel accepted and normal. Think back to a time where you were feeling irrational or wrong for a feeling you had. If you received validation from someone else, how did that make you feel? If you didn’t receive validation, how do you think you would have felt if you did receive validation? If we don’t receive validation from others, we can get stuck in negative thoughts and doubt. Having someone recognize and accept the thoughts and feelings we’re experiencing offers relief that our experience is OK.
- Validation softens us and connects us. When we are validated, relief begins. We tend to feel heard and understood when someone else validates us. When I have been validated in the past, I think, “They get it! They understand me!” When we feel like we are heard and understood, we can stop defending, or making, our point. In session, I see clients soften and let down their walls when they receive validation from their partner, family, or therapist. After lowering their defenses, they’re able to reach out and respond to their partner or family differently. This allows the family or couple to have a deeper connection.
- Validation improves communication. Whether you’re validating a friend, family member, co-worker, or partner, you’re sending a message that you understand their perspective. Again, this does not mean that you agree, it just means that you understand and acknowledge their internal and external experiences. Validation allows us to have deeper conversations instead of focusing on the contextual details. When we feel heard and understood, we feel safe. Then, we can start to have conversations about those vulnerable thoughts and feelings because we know the other person understands. Most of the time, validating the other person will change the dynamic between you and will decrease any conflict or disconnection.
- Validation takes the pressure off of us to “fix it”. When we validate, we do not have to solve anything!! How great does that sound? This means that you are not responsible for fixing a problem or solving anything. All you have to do is demonstrate understanding and offer acknowledgement in a non-judgmental way.
I am going to encourage you to focus on validating your loved ones for the next week. Pay attention to how they respond, how you feel, and what’s different. I’m hopeful that you’ll notice the positive differences and will start to do more validation.
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This post was written by Minon Maier – LMFT
