On Saturday, my Facebook feed displayed a comical flowchart with an article from the Huffington Post entitled “Are you dateable?” The chart was kind of funny/silly and didn’t make a ton of sense, but it gave me a quick laugh.
And then I noticed the reader’s comments on Facebook. Some readers reacted by writing about how discouraged they felt, because they feel that they are not dateable. This chart, I assume, created with the intention of making people laugh, seemed to lead to some negative self-talk and anxiety among readers.
This flowchart helped me understand something important that readers may have missed. Your date-ability (is that a word?) has nothing to do with your age, height, weight, hair color, eye color, intelligence, or personality. Someone out there will love you and accept you for your unique characteristics and for being the you that nobody else can be.
As the chart jokingly (albeit correctly) points out, if you go on Tinder (or any dating app/website) with the intention of having sex, then you’re probably not all that dateable. Likewise, if you go on each first date expecting to find your soul-mate, then you are also probably not all that dateable.
What I learned from this chart and what I believe this chart implies is that your dateability is not about you personally- it’s about what you’re looking for.
If you believe that dating= hooking up a lot, or finding an immediate husband/wife, well, then that belief is what makes you undateable. (Note: If your intention is to hook up, that’s ok, it’s just not dating. If your intention is to find an immediate husband/wife, that’s ok too, and maybe you can contact a matchmaker or go on the Bachelor/Bachelorette, but again, that’s also not dating.)
Your attitude towards dating! Having an open and positive attitude towards going on actual dates and/or being in a potential relationship (that may or may not, depending on your goals, eventually lead to marriage or life partnership). Specifically:
So, please, put down the Ben and Jerry’s (I agree with The Huffington Post)! There is nothing un-dateable about you. If you want to become more dateable, you don’t need to lose weight, change your hair, earn more money or change careers… Instead, work on improving/changing your dating attitude. Be open!
Having a hard time with being open? Come see me.
As a therapist at Therapy with Heart, I specialize in adult clients with dating/relationship difficulties. I look forward to meeting you and working with you. Please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or 301-651-9816.
Wishing you all well!
This Post Written By:
Rachel Freidus, LMFT, MS – Therapy With Heart
8737 E. Via De Commercio, Suite 200
Scottsdale, Arizona 85258
Phone: (480) 888-5380
Fax: (480) 203-2881