If you have not read Come as You Are (2015) by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., there is one section that provides such a lovely metaphor that describes how much of what we experienced growing up contributed to shaping how we see ourselves as sexual beings. This metaphor can not only encompass how we see ourselves as sexual beings, but how we see ourselves in many ways. She describes the garden in the following:
It goes like this: On the day you’re born, you’re given a little plot of rich and fertile soil, slightly different from everyone else’s. And right away, your family and your culture start to plant things and tend the garden for you, until you’re old enough to take over its care yourself. They plant language and attitudes and knowledge about love and safety and bodies and sex. And they teach you how to tend your garden, because as you transition through adolescence into adulthood, you’ll take on full responsibility for its care.
And you didn’t choose any of that. You didn’t choose your plot of land, the seeds that were planted, or the way your garden was tended in the early years of your life.
As you reach adolescence, you begin to take care of the garden on your own. And you may find that your family and culture have planted some beautiful, healthy things that are thriving in a well-tended garden. And you may notice some things you want to change. Maybe the strategies you were taught for cultivating the garden are inefficient, so you need to find different ways of taking care of it so that it will thrive (that’s in chapter 3). Maybe the seeds that were planted were not the kind of thing that will thrive in your particular garden, so you need to find something that’s a better fit for you (that’s in chapters 4 and 5).
Some of us get lucky with our land and what gets planted. We have healthy and thriving gardens from the earliest moments of our awareness. And some of us get stuck with some pretty toxic crap in our gardens, and we’re left with the task of uprooting all the junk and replacing it with something healthier, something we choose for ourselves. (p.38-39)
Many beliefs and attitudes adults have about sex were things they learned from their early experiences. Our ideas about sex are greatly influenced by how much sex education we had and by whom. All of the potential outlets to gain knowledge from provided us with ideas on how sex should be and who we should be as sexual beings.
I found this section to be useful not only in areas of our bodies and sexuality, but in many areas of our life where we are taught messages and ideas about ourselves in how to act and respond. We are taught messages on what emotions are appropriate and which are not. We are taught who can be vulnerable and when. We are taught how to do conflict with a loved one and how to demonstrate love. We are taught what is considered “strong” and what is “weak.” With all of these teachings designed to serve a purpose. Whether it meant not showing emotions means you will be seen as strong and capable. Or pacifying others to avoid conflict will be seen as keeping the peace. Some learned ideas we have kept and tended to in our garden all these years and utilize in our everyday relationships.
However, sometimes people begin to learn the messages they were taught only benefited the system they were previously in. A system that did not allow the individual to express themselves, speak without fear, feel their emotions freely, or experience belonging without judgement. Or perhaps what was planted in the past worked for that environment and now in a new environment, no longer serves them. In which case, it may be time to examine what was planted in your own garden and perhaps plant something new. Something that encourages and promotes healing from within, self-compassion, and self-love.
Therapy can be the place to do some of that tending to your metaphorical garden. With therapeutic trust and alliance, therapy can be the place to explore messaging you received on how to “be” in this world. Some of that messaging can be really great and serve you well as an adult. Other messages you received can be explored to see if you would still like to keep those messages or create a new message to practice and take with you.
Back to the garden metaphor. Sometimes after trying to plant something new, we may find ourselves thinking “it didn’t work!” because no new leaves have come through the soil. When in actuality, there is a lot of growth happening underground we just can’t see. When seeds are planted it takes time before we start to see our growth. Or it could be we need a helper, to teach us new ways to cultivate and remind us of patience as we do this work.
The beauty is, we can plant new things in our garden when it feels right to us. We can plant messages, beliefs, and ideas that help us thrive, feel balanced, feel calm, and feel confident in ourselves. We know it will take time to grow in the areas we choose to grow. If you’ve never gardened before, like starting any new hobby or task it can feel nerve wracking. With patience, care, and effort, we can nurture our garden the way we want it to be and in turn nurture ourselves.
Consider what messages and beliefs you have held about yourself that no longer serve you or you would like to explore. A trusting therapeutic space may be just the place to do some digging.
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster.
