I was recently skimming Facebook and came across the article, “Some Babies Are Just Easier Than Others” by Perri Kass, M.D. in The New York Times. This article discussed different temperaments in children and how to recognize these differences to come up with the best fit for parenting.
Temperament is based on the following characteristics:
- Activity level: level of physical activity daily
- Approach or withdrawal: how the child initially responds to new situations
- Adaptability: how the child adjusts to change
- Intensity: positive or negative energy level in child’s response
- Mood: positive or negative mood
- Attention span: ability to concentrate
- Distractibility: how likely the child is to become distracted from a task
- Sensory threshold: amount of stimulation needed for a child to respond
I began to reflect on my life, thinking how grateful I am for both of my boys. When I was thinking about them, I was thinking about how they are SO different and require such different parenting. Looking at the different temperaments, my boys are different on every scale.
Compare and Contrast
My 9-year-old son is pretty easy. He’s the child that wants “to be good”. He worries about getting in trouble. He listens, for the most part, probably 95% of the time.
He loves school and treats others well, even his little brother. He’s mindful and sensitive. He also is a good cuddler and can verbalize well what he’s thinking and feeling. He’s usually in a good mood and tends to respond well to change. He’s independent and able to stay focused on any task (except cleaning his room or the toy room).
My 6-year-old son has a different personality from the 9-year-old. When my 6-year-old was born, he screamed for 6 hours (not an exaggeration) and has been loud ever since. He is SO active, ALL THE TIME. He is determined to do what he wants and doesn’t like being told “no”.
He’s hilarious and always makes me laugh. His laugh is contagious. He’s the kid that is more physically aggressive with his brother and gets angry very easily. He has a hard time verbalizing his thoughts and feelings. He doesn’t respond well to change and doesn’t respond well to things that are loud.
Early on, I had to learn that each child needed different parenting and nurturing. I also had to learn that this is OK. I learned these after many failed attempts of trying the same techniques for each child. What I do with my 9-year-old doesn’t work for my 6-year-old.
Parenting Styles
I realized there isn’t one cookie cutter style of parenting that works for every child. I try my best to make sure they know they’re loved and how special they each are. I try to validate their thoughts and feelings when they are upset. I try to teach them that their feelings are OK.
I had to learn to accept my children as they are, not focus on how I think they should be. This is hard, sometimes, because I wish that the boys were quieter, slept longer, listened better, loved chores, got along better, etc. Unfortunately, I cannot make them do, or not do, any of these.
What I can do is talk to them and teach them right from wrong. I have to be calm when I engage in these moments so that they hear the words and not my emotion. I can also show them a good example in my words and behaviors. I celebrate and embrace their differences because these are what make them unique and so special to me. I love them both equally and differently, with my whole heart.
I would encourage you to think about your own temperament and of your family. Embrace the differences and accept yourself, and others, for who they are.
This post was written by Minon Maier – LMFT
