Depending on who you talk to, the holidays can be a season of joy, excitement, stress, sadness, and/or all the above. The season is a complex time because it may mean spending time with loved ones and it may mean spending time with family members that you do not get along with.
Not all family relationships are close and connected, which is the reality for many people. I do not know of anyone who gets along with All of their family members All of the time. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it worked that way? The truth is family relationships are just like any other relationship in that they require work and they require open communication. It is human to have conflict with others, to have disagreements with others, and to feel hurt in relationships. Family relationships can be messy at times, they can be strained at times, and how you feel when things are messy or strained is normal. You have permission to acknowledge for yourself that attending family gatherings is difficult, saddening, painful, or angering. You have permission to say to yourself that you do not want to visit a particular person. Families are complex and the emotions you may have about your family are complex too.
Many adults have grown up with family members who were not available emotionally, experienced neglect from family members, or experienced harm from family members. They may have experienced betrayal, breach of trust, or lack of safety. Having experienced a lack of safety or availability with primary attachment caregivers or additional family members can then create apprehension to create closer relationships. During a time when there may be social or cultural expectations for joyous gatherings, feeling like the one person who does not want to attend family events can feel isolating. For this I say you are not alone. It is important to honor however you feel about your relationships with your family members and make space to process the emotions that may arise for you. Some people find that they want to still spend time with family members because there were parts of their upbringing that they enjoyed, along with the parts that are pained. It can become difficult to know how to navigate.
In preparation for spending extended time with family members where there is tension, here are some considerations to care for yourself:
Set Boundaries. A boundary is something that identifies a limit or extent. A boundary defines what you are comfortable with and boundaries are intended to protect yourself. They define what is acceptable for you and help you feel safe and respected. Boundaries are about identifying limitations for you, not about the people you are with. Set boundaries with who you will spend time with, what topics you are okay with discussing and what topics are not okay. Setting a boundary is done with love for yourself. It is about taking care of your nervous system, and the younger part of you that perhaps was unable to set a boundary before.
Time Management. How much time are you wanting to spend with others? You have permission to not spend a whole day with family members if you are going to feel drained, hurt, anxious, and leave wounded. You decide how much time to spend with others and what feels best to your nervous system. Perhaps that means taking breaks during a gathering or that means only going to certain events.
Use your voice. Your voice is one of your biggest ways you can advocate for yourself and what you need. Again, your voice is about creating safety for yourself not about putting things onto others. Your voice is your power.
Talk to someone. Talk to a sibling, a family member, or a friend that you trust about what this time brings up for you. Hopefully there are people and places for you to feel loved, held, and connected. Spend time with folks who make you feel safe and heard.
You have permission to feel all the emotions you have about your family. You have permission to take care of your nervous system. You have permission to take breaks and slow down. You have permission to not go to anything you do not want to. Spending time with family does not need to be dreaded. You have an ability to advocate for yourself and what you need.
I understand that trying any of these methods can feel nerve wracking and stressful. To that I say, lets talk about it. For a season that often emphasizes giving, love, and joy, you deserve to give yourself all of the above. It can also be a good idea to reflect on how you have navigated this season in the past. Reflecting on yourself and what you need this December may be different than what you needed last year or even different than what you will need next year. We know the holiday season is filled with so many things. It may be helpful to talk with a licensed therapist to help you process what this time means for you.
