Fighting to win? That’s a lose-lose situation, but there is a way out.
All couples have patterns in how they handle conflict. While the content may be different each time, there is generally an underlying pattern of how partners interact with one another. Sometimes that pattern is each partner trying to be the one who was “right.”
It goes like this, somehow a misreading of cues occurs, and conflict arises. Partners each enter their defenses and attack. They attack in criticism of their partner and use reactive anger. The more couples get into their conflict, the more the words have bite. Does this sound like you and your partner? It becomes an endless cycle of trying to prove why each one was right and why their partner is the less helpful partner, the less hardworking partner, and less of a teammate.
In this case, partners become rivals. Trying to prove their point of why they are right, and why their partner is in the wrong. It’s not me, It’s you. The perspective here is I can see how your moves are wrong but there is a lack of ability to see the impact of my own responses. There is a lack of perspective here.
Consider You Have a Different Perspective
Let’s say you went to a play at the theater with your partner but the attendant accidentally messed up your seating arrangement so that one of you was now sitting in the balcony and the other was sitting near the front by the orchestra. You then both watch the play from your seats. When you discuss the play later, you find that you each have some discretion about what happened in a scene. This can be true. You both watched the same play but were in different seats, so your individual perspective is different than your partner’s. Maybe even your emotional response to the play and actors is different from your partner’s. Trying to convince your partner that what you saw from your view is what occurred belongs to you alone. The same thing can happen in couples’ conflict where couples get stuck is debating What Occurred or The Context. Yes, we can consider the context, and we want couples to move one layer deeper, to their emotional response and the emotional response of their partner.
Let’s plug in a couple to this example of sitting in different seats, starting with the partner sitting from the balcony:
So you saw your partner move across the couch from you, what came up for you?
“Well, I felt like they were mad at me for something, but they weren’t telling me. But that’s what happens every time. He does not tell me when he’s upset, he just takes it out on me. He doesn’t know how to communicate with me.”
And if I asked the other partner for their perspective from a seat near the orchestra:
“Well, I was moving to also make space for our dog to join us on the couch, but you overreacted. You’re so emotional about every little thing. I barely moved an inch and she went berserk.”
And what did that make you feel?
“Like I was doing something wrong, I did not know where this was coming from.”
And that is it.
A couple gets stuck in fighting about if partner moved away on the couch or not, and who is more right about it instead of shifting down into what occurred emotionally between them. How they were emotionally moved by their partner when this occurred. Instead, there’s attacking, there’s criticism, and there’s an attempt to point out why their partner is in the wrong without considering they may have a different experience.
What is the cost?
The cost of trying to be right in a conflict is you lose connection from your partner. From an attachment perspective, this loss of connection is detrimental. You lose the sense of safety and security in the moment that you are trying to prove you’re “right.” Ultimately, I believe folks who get stuck in being right have an underlying attachment longing to be heard, however the method of digging in heels does the opposite of getting their partner to come closer. This method can also lead to erosion of conflict repair. When we are stuck in the mode of rivals, there is no room for repair.
What do we do about it?
First, slow down. That sounds very simple in theory and is challenging in practice. The pattern of being in conflict is engrained at this point. Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotion Focused Therapy describes how long-term couples’ conflict patterns are like breathing, where the couple does not even know they are stepping into the pattern each time. The accuse/accuse pattern here is the problem, not your partner. You and your partner are on the same team. When you have something to team up against, it is easier to slow down and recognize it for what it is.
Second, look at the circle of criticism. When it begins to go in circles of pointing out each other’s mistakes, inaccuracies, and wrong doings, you’ve gotten pulled in. There is no one entry point into a circle.
Third, recognize the consequences of staying in the conflict cycle. Does one person ever truly win? No. Where does it leave the connection between you and your partner? Most likely taking such a stance to prove you’re right has left you and your partner disconnected, and you went through such conflict to obtain that goal. The consequence is you’ve proven you’re “right,” (to some extent, but not really) however now you and your partner probably do not feel emotionally safe to be playful, gentle, and friendly toward one another. And who knows for how long that will last…30 minutes, a couple hours, or the rest of the night. That does not sound like a win to me.
Ultimately there is no winning in conflict and it is not about who is “right.” At various points both partners suffer because they feel unheard, blamed, and judged. Your partner’s truth is not going to be your truth. Your partner’s experience is not going to be your experience. Even at the same play, in the same house, or in the same conflict. Fighting to have one singular version to be the right one only does damage. In couples therapy we want partners to be able to lean into their partner’s experience. Listening to understand the perspective of our partner is the first step.
