Self-compassion is such a gift we can give ourselves. But what does it mean to be self-compassionate? Compassion means “to suffer together.” When we see someone suffering, we are moved by their suffering and want to alleviate it for them. And yet somehow it continuously feels so challenging, even impossible at times, to turn some of that compassion toward ourselves.
Responses I have often heard for why people do not give themselves compassion are “I’d just be feeling sorry for myself,” “I should toughen up,” “I don’t need that,” and “I’m fine.” However, these messages are not originally our own. These messages were often given to us either directly or indirectly. Somewhere along the way we learned not to turn toward our pain, our hurt, or suffering.
I’ve also heard the response that “there are people who have it worse than me, my life isn’t that bad.” Comparing our impacts, problems, and experiences with others will never grant us the space to acknowledge our own pain, sadness, or vulnerability.
How to start cultivating compassion:
- Approach yourself with kindness. If someone told you a hardship they faced or mistake they made, are you able to be understanding with them? Approaching yourself with kindness may start with envisioning how you would speak to someone else and giving yourself the same message.
How would you talk to a baby or a small animal?
How would you talk to a friend?
How would you talk to a younger version of yourself, in a way you needed someone to at that time?
- Approach yourself with care. Life has moments of suffering, moments where we feel inadequate, and moments that are less than perfect. When we can recognize these moments are part of the human experience, we can approach ourselves more gently.
- Approach without judgement. It is so easy to respond to ourselves in a critical or harsh way. Often, we do not notice our inner dialogue responding to ourselves in this way because it may seem so automatic. When we are able to slow down, be mindful, and notice how we speak to ourselves we can approach ourselves differently.
If there is a part of you that resists self-compassion? Can you ask the part how is it trying to keep you safe?
Practice:
If a child told you they were a failure because of a small mistake, how might you respond? Can you respond to yourself in the same way?
When was a time you did less than a perfect job or not gave 100% and felt okay about it? Can what you gave be enough?
Try forgiving yourself for a small mistake. Can you give yourself grace to continue to grow?
