Talking about sex, in movies and television it never seems to happen where couples talk before, during, or after engaging in sexual activities. Even during a first time hook up, the partners on screen seem to already know exactly what to do and give their partner a fantastic orgasm in record time.
However, this depiction isn’t reality and often creates false expectations in ourselves and our partners. Communication for sex is important and valuable for both partners, or multiple partners, to have an enjoyable experience. Some reasons sexual partners don’t talk about sex include the following beliefs: talking about sex “ruins it”, it’s not appropriate or it’s uncomfortable, “they should already know what I like”, or “I might be shamed for what I like”. This topic can be an uncomfortable one to start. Which can be acknowledged by saying “talking about sex for me is…”
However, understanding what you want from the sexual encounter, what sensations you want to feel, and how you want to feel about yourself are all topics to discuss with your partner. Below are some questions our our sex therapists recommend to open the dialogue and start having conversations before, during, and after engaging in sexual activities.
Before- Discuss what you would like from the sexual experience. Not all sexual experiences must include intercourse. It is up to the partners to discuss what they hope for, what would be fun to do, and what they desire. Consent; both partners must provide verbal, coherent, enthusiastic consent. Partners can say no at any time to any activity or change their mind during an activity. Talking before means both partners can be knowledgeable about how things may proceed. Some ways to start talking before include:
Where and how do you like to be touched the most?
What are things that you don’t want to do or don’t like?
What is the ideal way for me to initiate sex with you?
What is hard or uncomfortable about initiating sex?
What could I say that would turn you on?
What things do I already do or say that turn you on?
Would you like to kiss then…
What could be fun is if we did ____, how does that sound to you?
This is something I would like to try, are you open to this?
I’m not in the mood for ____today, but I would enjoy us doing…
During- Give your partner indications of what is working well and/or what adjustments would make it better. Please do not fake pleasure. Faking pleasure only teaches your partner to continue to do something that you don’t like and doesn’t work for you. Perhaps what was enjoyable last time does not feel as good this time. Let your partner know how you feel to help guide them during the experience. Some ways to communicate during include:
Can you do more of this…
I like it when you touch me like this…
Keep doing that…
Can you move your hand/hips/body here…
Let me show you how…
That feels really good when you…
Yes…
How is this for you?
Do you want me to move this way?
Is this a good amount of pressure?
Do you want me to stop ____?
We can switch to doing ____ instead…
I’m ready to stop now
After- Checking in with each other about the experience brings you into your partner’s world. Each partner has different things that make them feel cared for and connected after sexual activities. Checking in after is not intended to be critical or shaming. Talking about sex and learning about your partner is a resource to you. You are learning their sexual handbook.
Next time I would like to…
I really liked when you…
What was your favorite part?
Was there anything you want more of?
What would you like to do differently next time?
Was there anything you don’t want to do again?
Would you like to ______ now? (cuddle, eat food, watch tv, have some quiet, talk about X?)
Do you need anything?
These lists of potential conversation starters are not exhaustive. There are many things you can ask your partner to learn more about them as a sexual being. Conversations about sex don’t only need to happen when you want to have sex. They can also happen during regular parts of the day. What is most important is sex being an enjoyable, safe, connecting activity for everyone involved.
